I sit here watching my four year old "do the dishes," i.e. play in the sink. I hear my older kids laughing as they discover new animals on a computer game and I cherish the sounds I hear, even when the laughter turns to an argument and the water makes a mess. You see all those events are too valuable now. All these happy times and even the frustrating messes and fights are blessings from God. You see I have been changed and I will not EVER be the same.
Six months ago a friend of mine un-expectantly said goodbye, for now, to her almost six year old son. (My middle daughter is two weeks older than him and his friend.) Understandably it was a shock and grief has not passed over this family or the lives this beautiful child touched, including mine. Though I did not get to spend as much time with this child as I would have liked I do remember his smile. He would smile almost all the time. I say almost because I remember he was playing with my daughter one time and some friends' kids and I did something silly. He looked at me as if I had slipped out of the coo-coo's nest. Then he smiled and laughed. I loved his laugh. It was a laugh that made you smile because he lived with such joy. He was also curious and since I enjoy random facts I would try to tell him stuff but would sometimes shy away because I got that your weird look. Haha I miss that look.
Just a week ago friends and family remembered a woman who fought, as a hero, with cancer for more than 10 years. She touched many lives and left us way too early. She was wise and funny, kind and giving. She loved people and would help you with anything she could. I remember her helping me overcome some of my executive function struggles, though we didn't have that name at the time, by spending hours in my office showing me how to set files. I also remember her taking my son out to play somewhere so I could rest after one of my daughters were born and her buying him a coat because he needed one and she knew our finances at the time were not in a place to replace the one he lost. This was the way she was- always giving.
The sting of the absences of these lives are still fresh but as I have reflected on the many things these precious lives have taught me I've been leery to let their deaths, and those before them, teach me as well. But I loved these people and their families too much to not let them impact me. I have holes from others before these two but I was not healed enough or strong enough at that to understand it or process it completely.
The two most impacting memories were of a man who, as well, had a disability on his hands but didn't let that stop him from being a professional chef. He moved to heaven because of drugs, alcohol issues. The most impactful was a young lady only a year and half younger than me. She was always so kind, playful, silly, forgiving and such a friend. I don't think I could ever be alone when she was around because she was so inclusive and accepting. My only regret is that I didn't get to spend more time with her before she went to heaven and I miss the adult friendship we could of had.
To look at the holes death leaves is to look at life. I used to hide the painful emotions of these relationships. I used to try to fix things so that the pain would go numb but I see that doesn't really do anything but cause more pain. Worse to numb the pain you almost make yourself have to forget those loved ones. I see now that allowing myself to be sad, to cry, to miss them and what might have been is healthy and is healing. And most of all, to let those amazing people change me for good... to "choose life." Deuteronomy 30:19 quotes God telling the Israelites that he presents them with a choice: life or death and asks them to "choose life that you...might live." That is what I choose to do.
We can live a physical life but be dead inside. We can shut ourselves away and not allow other relationships to flourish or grow. We can run from the hard sad emotions of grief or ignore the small joys that the Lord sets before us. We can grumble and complain about how this life sucks but never take steps to do something to better ourselves or subsequent generations. But that is not life and Christ came, "that [we] may have life and have it to the full." (John 10:10 NIV)
So I choose to honor Tish by making friends while laughing and playing a lot. I honor Steve by not letting my disabilities become inabilities. I honor Leta by learning to overcome my learning disabilities through order, a clean home and a fighting spirit and I honor Noah by cherishing EVERY moment my Lord loans me my kids and gives me the privilege to bring them up. Their physical absence in this world will be felt for some time but their legacy will live on with those who knew them and in the impact their lives have had on this simple mother and woman.
I will never be the same... Thank you.
Six months ago a friend of mine un-expectantly said goodbye, for now, to her almost six year old son. (My middle daughter is two weeks older than him and his friend.) Understandably it was a shock and grief has not passed over this family or the lives this beautiful child touched, including mine. Though I did not get to spend as much time with this child as I would have liked I do remember his smile. He would smile almost all the time. I say almost because I remember he was playing with my daughter one time and some friends' kids and I did something silly. He looked at me as if I had slipped out of the coo-coo's nest. Then he smiled and laughed. I loved his laugh. It was a laugh that made you smile because he lived with such joy. He was also curious and since I enjoy random facts I would try to tell him stuff but would sometimes shy away because I got that your weird look. Haha I miss that look.
Just a week ago friends and family remembered a woman who fought, as a hero, with cancer for more than 10 years. She touched many lives and left us way too early. She was wise and funny, kind and giving. She loved people and would help you with anything she could. I remember her helping me overcome some of my executive function struggles, though we didn't have that name at the time, by spending hours in my office showing me how to set files. I also remember her taking my son out to play somewhere so I could rest after one of my daughters were born and her buying him a coat because he needed one and she knew our finances at the time were not in a place to replace the one he lost. This was the way she was- always giving.
The sting of the absences of these lives are still fresh but as I have reflected on the many things these precious lives have taught me I've been leery to let their deaths, and those before them, teach me as well. But I loved these people and their families too much to not let them impact me. I have holes from others before these two but I was not healed enough or strong enough at that to understand it or process it completely.
The two most impacting memories were of a man who, as well, had a disability on his hands but didn't let that stop him from being a professional chef. He moved to heaven because of drugs, alcohol issues. The most impactful was a young lady only a year and half younger than me. She was always so kind, playful, silly, forgiving and such a friend. I don't think I could ever be alone when she was around because she was so inclusive and accepting. My only regret is that I didn't get to spend more time with her before she went to heaven and I miss the adult friendship we could of had.
To look at the holes death leaves is to look at life. I used to hide the painful emotions of these relationships. I used to try to fix things so that the pain would go numb but I see that doesn't really do anything but cause more pain. Worse to numb the pain you almost make yourself have to forget those loved ones. I see now that allowing myself to be sad, to cry, to miss them and what might have been is healthy and is healing. And most of all, to let those amazing people change me for good... to "choose life." Deuteronomy 30:19 quotes God telling the Israelites that he presents them with a choice: life or death and asks them to "choose life that you...might live." That is what I choose to do.
We can live a physical life but be dead inside. We can shut ourselves away and not allow other relationships to flourish or grow. We can run from the hard sad emotions of grief or ignore the small joys that the Lord sets before us. We can grumble and complain about how this life sucks but never take steps to do something to better ourselves or subsequent generations. But that is not life and Christ came, "that [we] may have life and have it to the full." (John 10:10 NIV)
So I choose to honor Tish by making friends while laughing and playing a lot. I honor Steve by not letting my disabilities become inabilities. I honor Leta by learning to overcome my learning disabilities through order, a clean home and a fighting spirit and I honor Noah by cherishing EVERY moment my Lord loans me my kids and gives me the privilege to bring them up. Their physical absence in this world will be felt for some time but their legacy will live on with those who knew them and in the impact their lives have had on this simple mother and woman.
I will never be the same... Thank you.